So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
You Might Also Like
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me irl
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
house sitting!
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid