When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
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Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
#Caturday
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!