I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
You Might Also Like
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I needed a laugh this morning.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period