Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
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Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart