Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
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My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?