Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday