I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
sounds kinky. i’m in.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.