[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
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Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
hmm conte-me mais
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
😂💯
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???