if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
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Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.