Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
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reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.