PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
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Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”