Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
You Might Also Like
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.