I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
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Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Spider-cat: No One Home
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.