birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
You Might Also Like
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.