CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
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Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Am getting real tired of your crap…