CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
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I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Anime is real
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Yeah. This was me today.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.