Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
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Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.