HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
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I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Wake me when AI does housework
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
bought wrong eggs
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.