My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
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listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I’d hang this in my house.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister