Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
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I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
This classic never gets old . . .
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.