[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
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I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
*seductively peels off lederhosen
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better