Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
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think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats