I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
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I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?