Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
You Might Also Like
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!