Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
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[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Tell me you get it…🤣
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Who knew!
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format