stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
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*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.