The pointless tidy up before a play date.
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.