i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
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Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.