My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
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Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Meme Monday.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.