“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
LMAO
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.