When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea