How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
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I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?