Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
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My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Yup.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
So hot these last few days I鈥檝e consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you鈥檙e gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
when the solution to your problem doesn鈥檛 exist on stack overflow:
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
DATE: what鈥檚 your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it鈥檚 just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Elsa: 馃幎 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That鈥檚 a real thing.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.