Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today