Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.