A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.