My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
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I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing