Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
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Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.