My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
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falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what