[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
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If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.