I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?