My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
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6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
The three genders
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
marvel comics have peaked
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.