My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
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I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Boating season is upon us.