[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
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[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…