“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
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A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.