Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
You Might Also Like
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Finally
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
White Castle for the Win
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah