Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Life is a suicide mission.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Oh no
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Who did it better?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?