The “research” scene in every horror movie
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I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
2022: I can fix it
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I’m already scared
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.