I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
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After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Husband of the year 😂
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes