So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
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When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.